I suck at writing. I don't mean my prose, or my descriptions, or my characterizations (though I'm sure to be lacking in a number of those areas).
I mean in my work ethic.
I haven't written a single word of real writing in ~8 weeks.
There are all sorts of excuses I could line up, between my day-job workload, to travelling, to any number of things. None of them are truly valid to the writer in me. I've had all those things going on before and I soldiered through and got the words down. Hell, some of my most productive times have been when my day-job was demanding 12-16 hours of my life per day.
So what have I done? Well, let's see. I've read a BUNCH of books. I sort of caught up on some of the TV I've recorded. I've seen a few movies in theatres (and really enjoyed them). I've kicked some ass at The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker HD. And I've spent far too much money on Skylanders.
Writing related? I've cycled out a few more queries on CROW'S BLOOD. Tracked through and kept up with the blogs of all the writers I know and love. And I've re-worked the outline for my historical fantasy about six times.
Six times may seem like I've been keeping busy, but really I haven't. Not busy enough anyway. I could be doing a lot more... you know... writing.
I've been doing some much-unneeded self-examination on what exactly my problem is. Turns out it's pretty simple:
I suck at writing. This time I am talking about the prose, descriptions, and characterizations.
I worked on CROW'S BLOOD for a LONG time. I finished the first draft in November of 2011! Never mind that I completely threw that draft and story away and re-worked the entire novel from the ground up. That's more than 2 years ago!!!
It's been that long since I really dug in and worked on something new. The sense of accomplishment I felt at the end of every draft as the story and prose got tighter is gone, and the distance from that first clunky and painful draft is vast.
When I look at what I've written lately (and by lately I mean before I got into my writing funk), all I can see is the warts and garbage and things that make me want to set it on fire and walk away. It's no wonder I've re-outlined the thing so many times. Outlines are safe. I can write a REALLY cool outline. Point form mind-maps don't have to be pretty.
I've forgotten that it's OK to suck, especially on your first draft. No one has everything worked out. No one has the perfect words for every sentence. No one really knows where the commas are supposed to go!
I suck at writing. But I desperately need to remember and keep reminding myself that it's OK to suck. I'm going to keep doing it, updating my word-counts here on my blog so you can all keep score (and I can keep myself accountable).
I need to push on and get through the first draft. That first, clunky, broken, full of holes draft. I need to finish the story. I need to tie up all the loose ends. And I really need to achieve that awesome sense of finishing something.
You know why?
I'm really good at revision.
P.S. Have any of you ever hit that wall? Let me know how you got past it in the comments.